Weights Not Mine
Sometimes, I'm just tired. Cape rasanya membawa baggage dari hal-hal yang pernah terjadi dalam hidup saya, baik dari keluarga maupun hubungan sebelumnya. There are things that happened a long time ago, but somehow, their impact stays longer than I expected. Saya pikir waktu akan membuat semuanya terasa lebih ringan, but healing doesn't always work that way.
Ada hal-hal yang tanpa sadar mengubah cara saya melihat orang, cara saya merespons sesuatu, bahkan cara saya memulai hubungan baru. I used to think that getting to know someone should feel exciting, that I could simply enjoy the process and let things unfold naturally. Tapi sekarang, ada bagian dari diri saya yang selalu berhati-hati. I notice the little changes, the inconsistent communication, the sudden distance, and the way someone responds when things start getting serious.
And sometimes, I hate that I notice everything.
Yang lebih melelahkan, not everyone understands why I am the way I am. Hal yang menurut saya cukup mengkhawatirkan mungkin terlihat biasa saja bagi orang lain. My reactions might seem unusual, my boundaries might feel too much, and my past might even be something they find scary. But I also understand that not everyone can understand what they have never experienced themselves.
Not everyone will understand your trauma, and not everyone has to. Saya tidak bisa memaksa orang lain memahami semua hal yang pernah saya lalui. I don't expect everyone to know how certain experiences have shaped me. Saya hanya berharap, ketika mereka tidak memahami, mereka tidak buru-buru menganggap saya aneh hanya karena cara saya menghadapi sesuatu berbeda dari mereka.
The truth is, all of this has changed the way I approach relationships. I'm more likely to walk away when someone starts showing signs of inconsistency, avoids difficult conversations, or seems unsure about their intentions. Kalau saya merasa seseorang mulai menghindar ketika hubungan membutuhkan kejelasan, saya cenderung memilih mundur daripada terus mengejar jawaban. Bahkan, saya bisa tidak peduli sama sekali dengan apa yang dia pikirkan tentang saya. Saya tidak lagi punya keinginan untuk meluruskan apa pun. Biarlah dia dengan opininya terhadap saya. Rasanya sudah terlalu lelah untuk hal itu. Karena kadang, mereka cuma mau melihat dan mendengar apa yang memang ingin mereka lihat dan dengar.
Not because I don't care. Sometimes, I care more than I want to admit. But I've learned that I cannot build something meaningful with someone who keeps making me question whether they even want to be there. Maybe I have become quicker to cut people off than I used to be. Maybe I no longer have the same patience for situations that feel uncertain. And I know that, from the outside, it might look like I'm giving up too easily. But sometimes, what looks like giving up is actually someone trying not to lose themselves again.
Still, I'm aware that there is a fine line between protecting myself and pushing people away out of fear. I don't want my past to make every new person look like a potential source of pain. I don't want to assume that everyone will eventually disappoint me just because some people did. I want to protect my peace without letting my trauma make every decision for me.
Karena tidak semua orang yang membutuhkan waktu berarti tidak serius. Not every misunderstanding is a red flag, and not every uncomfortable moment means something is about to go wrong. Relationships need patience, communication, and room for people to learn about each other. Tapi buat saya, effort and consistency still matter. I can be patient with someone who is genuinely trying, but I don't want to keep making excuses for someone who repeatedly avoids showing up.
I don't need someone perfect. I just want someone who is willing to communicate, someone who doesn't disappear when things get uncomfortable, and someone whose actions make their intentions clear. Someone who understands that consistency is not about being available every second, but about making the other person feel that they don't have to keep guessing where they stand.
And honestly, I'm tired of having to convince myself that inconsistency is something I should learn to tolerate. At the same time, I'm still learning how to let people in. To give someone a fair chance without ignoring my boundaries. To communicate my fears instead of immediately withdrawing. To understand that being vulnerable doesn't automatically mean I'm putting myself in danger. It's not easy. Some days, I feel like I've made progress. Other days, I notice myself going back to old patterns, preparing to leave before someone even has the chance to hurt me. And I have to remind myself that healing is not about never being afraid again. It's about learning how to respond to that fear without letting it control everything.
I don't want to spend my life in survival mode. I want to experience love without constantly anticipating loss. I want to enjoy getting to know someone without overanalyzing every little change. I want to trust someone because their actions have shown me that they are trustworthy, not because I'm desperately trying to convince myself that everything will be okay. Maybe I'm not there yet, and that's okay. For now, I'm learning to be kinder to myself. I'm learning that I can acknowledge the things that hurt me without allowing them to define my entire identity. My trauma may explain some of my reactions, but it doesn't have to determine the person I become.
Saya juga belajar bahwa I don't have to explain my entire past to everyone who enters my life. Some people will understand, some won't, and some simply aren't meant to know every part of me. I can choose what to share, when to share it, and with whom I feel safe enough to be vulnerable. I hope that one day, all these experiences won't feel like baggage I have to carry into every new relationship. I hope I can remain cautious without becoming cold, have boundaries without always preparing to leave, and love someone without feeling like I have to sacrifice my peace to keep them. I'm still healing, still learning, still figuring out how to let people in without losing myself in the process.
And maybe that's enough for now. I don't have to be completely healed to deserve good things. I just have to keep doing the work, keep being honest with myself, and keep reminding myself that my past is part of my story, but it doesn't have to be the ending.
Love,
Humannisa💚
Humannisa💚
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